So, you've found someone who boosts your dopamine levels, and you want to take them somewhere to engage in uncomfortable conversation and adhere to the procedures of courtship. Following a successful date, there is a potential for further appointments, coitus, marriage — even accidental procreation. It’s a cluster-fuck of social rules and regulations, and I, being as kind a soul as I am, have compiled a set of tips to help you steer the ship of dating towards success and away from the murky depths of dying alone.
When scared, the body reacts in a similar way to when falling in love. If you can terrify the object of your affection, you may also be able to fool them into thinking they have feelings for you. With that in mind, here are some first date ideas.
Hire out a meeting room and conduct the date as you would a job interview.
Take a late night stroll through a notoriously bad part of town.
Tell your date to wear red, and cavort in a bull field.
If you own a revolver, consider a game of Russian Roulette.
Any of these will assist in tricking your date into falsely believing they love you, or at least make them scared enough to feel an obligation for a second encounter. I’ve done the science, so you don’t have to.
When deciding what to wear for your date, clashing colours and fancy dress should be avoided (unless you own a wizard costume, in which case you should always wear the wizard costume). Nudity is an option, though often frowned upon in public, and is a faux pas for first date situations; on a third or fourth date, however, it may be an exciting way for you to get to know your date’s nipple size.
Conversation can be difficult, but is encouraged when dating. While it may be tempting to ask casual questions (such as: “how many times do you poop a day?”), it is, in fact, better to address the more difficult topics early on.
Find out if there is a history of mental illness in your date’s family.
Establish an in-depth history of their sex life.
Ascertain whether they have any hidden ailments or disfigurements.
Check if they’re an active member of a terrorist organisation.
With these probing questions, you can know, early on, whether the date is something you want to continue with, or if it’s better to leave the country immediately.
Many have trouble in deciding what to drink if dating in a bar. What you drink, however, is not nearly as important as how much you drink. It is generally advised to consume as large a quantity of alcohol as possible — as soon as possible — to alleviate any awkwardness. People also trouble themselves with what food to order, but if you follow the above advice, it matters little; the idea is to become so intoxicated that you could be eating the leftovers from a successful aneurysm removal and think it’s a nice smoked pork jowl.
Many people aren’t aware of just how important body language is for effective communication. When first greeting your partner, a quick dance can be a good way to relieve tension (I have personally found the Macarena to be suitable, though this varies culturally). When sitting, you should adopt a dominant posture — this applies to all genders and species. Straighten your back, stretch out your arms and legs, and do not break eye contact. I can’t stress this last point enough: even if eating, it is vital to maintain a rigid, uncomfortable level of eye contact. By employing these techniques, your date will not only find they are instinctively attracted to you, but they will also be intimidated, and this is important when deciding who will pay.
In fact, the subject of who foots the bill is often debated — for me, this does not come down to gender roles, but more a show of perseverance. I suggest never backing down, and insisting that your date pays for everything — this way they can see how sensible you are with your money. If your stubbornness is matched, a quick round of Rock, Paper, Scissors will settle the matter, and should either party lack hands or fingers, a head-butting contest will also suffice. If the date has gone poorly and you are certain there will be no further contact between you, simply run away.
At the end of the date, when parting, it is best to adopt a mind-set of having never met the other person. If your date invites you for drinks, or to their house/flat/motor-home/doorway, just walk away and say nothing. Any sign of neediness will ensure you remain single and humping pillows. Only on the following day should you attempt any further contact with your future spouse, and at this point, I recommend taking the opposite approach.
Call them every hour to see what they are doing/wearing.
Buy a ring and tell others you are married.
Write a love letter — complete with Shakespearean sonnet — rub it under your armpits for a natural musk, and send it by same-day delivery.
Email pictures of dinosaurs with lasers. I suggest at least ten on the first day, but this should increase significantly thereafter.
Reach out to your date’s parents, buy them gifts, and be sure to refer to them as Mum and Dad.
You have already established that you aren’t needy, so don’t be afraid when employing the above tips. Remember: persistence is key!
If you follow this advice, I bet all my left socks that, within the next year, you will either be married or incarcerated, and that’s a 50/50 chance of being wedded (that’s right, I did the maths too)! So, what are you waiting for? Get out there, find some love, and start living like all those happy people on television.
UK author Harry Husbands' short story "An Encounter in a Garden Shed" is featured in The Muse and The Flame: a Collection of Bizarre Romance. Want to learn more about Harry? Check out his webpage or follow him on Twitter!
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